God Smites Tobyhanna For Dover's Sins
All of you non-believers better start believing God's spokesman, Pat Robertson!
Yesterday, he warned the citizens of Dover because they "voted God out" of their city by ousting school board members who favored teaching "intelligent design." He told those Godless Doverans:
Well Doverans, don't go turning to God now! God just smote your punk ass neighbors in Tobyhanna! One hundred fifty three (153) miles away from Dover, God unleashed His opening salvo on Tobyhannans-- just to show you Doverans, 'He is coming for your asses!'
Yup, one day after God's spokesman warned you, The Big Man upstairs unleashed Bushzilla on the residents of Tobyhanna. God ain't fuckin' around, bitches!
Today, Bushzilla launched a bloody propaganda assault upon the citizens of Tobyhanna. Bushzilla roared, "Some Democrats and anti-war critics are now claiming we manipulated the intelligence and mislead the American people about why we went to war." With Roveian adeptness, Bushzilla coupled notions of 'supporting the troops" with notions of 'supporting the war,' causing some of the honest citizens of Tobyhanna to wince and shake their heads in horror. Bushzilla smote:
You see Doverans? Tobyhanna is being subjected to Bushzilla today because of your decision to oust school board members who favored teaching "intelligent design." Don't go praying to God now, you heathen Doverans. As Pat Robertson told you, 'God won't listen.'
Yesterday, he warned the citizens of Dover because they "voted God out" of their city by ousting school board members who favored teaching "intelligent design." He told those Godless Doverans:
"If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city."
Well Doverans, don't go turning to God now! God just smote your punk ass neighbors in Tobyhanna! One hundred fifty three (153) miles away from Dover, God unleashed His opening salvo on Tobyhannans-- just to show you Doverans, 'He is coming for your asses!'
Yup, one day after God's spokesman warned you, The Big Man upstairs unleashed Bushzilla on the residents of Tobyhanna. God ain't fuckin' around, bitches!
Today, Bushzilla launched a bloody propaganda assault upon the citizens of Tobyhanna. Bushzilla roared, "Some Democrats and anti-war critics are now claiming we manipulated the intelligence and mislead the American people about why we went to war." With Roveian adeptness, Bushzilla coupled notions of 'supporting the troops" with notions of 'supporting the war,' causing some of the honest citizens of Tobyhanna to wince and shake their heads in horror. Bushzilla smote:
"Our troops deserve to know that this support will remain firm when the going gets tough. And our troops deserve to know that, whatever our differences in Washington, our will is strong, our nation is united and we will settle for nothing less than victory."
You see Doverans? Tobyhanna is being subjected to Bushzilla today because of your decision to oust school board members who favored teaching "intelligent design." Don't go praying to God now, you heathen Doverans. As Pat Robertson told you, 'God won't listen.'
Goddamn, I LOVE theocracies! There's nothing better than blurring the line between the United States and Taliban-controlled Afghanistan. Thanks, Republicans!
Posted by
Brad |
Friday, November 11, 2005 1:21:00 PM
Since good old Pat seems to have the red-line to God, I was wondering if he could find out if Elvis is still alive.
Posted by
Intellectual Insurgent |
Friday, November 11, 2005 2:15:00 PM
I'm not sure who the bigger ass is- Robertson or Bush.
How people buy the crap these insane megalomaniacs sell is beyond me.
Posted by
ken grandlund |
Friday, November 11, 2005 4:04:00 PM
What exactly did we do that pissed off God so badly that he had to send Bushzilla to blight us for 8 frigging years?
Posted by
Zataod |
Friday, November 11, 2005 6:08:00 PM
And don't forget San Francisco is on the hit list too. They voted for a law to restrict recruiters in high schools, and now Bill O'Reilly is gonna zap them with a terrorist attack.
Posted by
Tom Harper |
Friday, November 11, 2005 6:42:00 PM
I love Digby's post:
Open Letter To Pat Robertson's Mescaline Supplier
To Whom It May Concern,
It's time to stop supplying Reverend Pat Robertson with hallucinogens. He clearly has tripped out once too often and it's kind of giving the phrase "zonked totally out of your mind" a bad rap:
Posted by
ET |
Saturday, November 12, 2005 12:52:00 PM
Let me get this right...Dover will be turned to sulfur, the Coit tower should fall, and Democrats are "re-writing" history. What happened to that "global struggle against extremism"?
Posted by
Enigma |
Saturday, November 12, 2005 5:14:00 PM
Oh that is just too good. I needed to read something like this after the very surreal conversation I recently had with my ultra-christian, GOP Aunt about my baby cousin going to war (it's at http://mfamama.typepad.com/mfa_mama/2005/11/jarhead_a_veter.html if you've got a strong enough stomach). My head hurts.
Posted by
MFA Mama |
Saturday, November 12, 2005 6:00:00 PM
Of course, you remember how God smote the founding fathers when they came up with that ridiculous bit about separation of church and state...
Posted by
Miss Cellania |
Sunday, November 13, 2005 6:38:00 PM
Get grip... not all Republicans are Christians, in fact most I know are not. And most despise Robertson, he's a wanker.
Posted by
Jenn |
Monday, November 14, 2005 8:30:00 PM
If people didn't buy all their crap, this would actually be entertaining.
Posted by
Andy Dabydeen |
Monday, November 14, 2005 9:14:00 PM