The Speech George W. Bush SHOULD Make Tonight
"Its time to be honest with America. The War in Iraq is a lost cause. Actually, its probably fair to say, this war was lost from the outset. And its not the fault of the fine people in our armed forces, it is my fault, and the fault of my administration.
"This all goes back to September 11, 2001. We failed America then. I'm not sure if the American public knows this, but prior to September 11, there was plenty of actionable intelligence pointing to the fact there would be an impending terrorist attack using commercial airliners, but we failed America. We did nothing about it. I was simply doing what I thought a good president does, like when FDR did nothing about Pearl Harbor, even though he knew exactly when the Japanese were going to attack us in 1941.
"You see, we thought it was a great idea for America to go to war in Iraq long before I was President. But we knew that the American public didn't really want to go to war in 2001. So we kind of just let the chips fall where they may. Kinda like FDR did. And when it turned out, as I was reading "My Pet Goat" to a classroom of little children on the morning of 9/11, that the chips fell on both World Trade Center towers, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania....well, we knew that America was going to be more willing to go to War in the Middle East.
"But yet, there were some of us who thought maybe this was not enough. So the CIA and the NSA used a friend of ours at Fort Derrick in Maryland, and they devised a cute little plan to send Anthrax spores exactly one week after the 9/11 attacks to certain left wing media folk, and a couple of liberal Senators. We thought, at the time, that we could blame all of this Anthrax stuff on Al-Qaeda or Iraq. We never thought the FBI would link the anthrax attack back to a government insider..
"But that didn't stop us, when we sent Colin Powell to the United Nations, waiving a vile of faux-Anthrax, and making a case for going to war against Iraq.
"We didn't think it was worth mentioning that the former Anthrax attacks were committed by an American, not an Iraqi. After all, we wanted a war in Iraq. And whatever it took to make that happen, we were willing to fix the facts and the intelligence around the policies..
"We trumpeted false stories about yellow cake, nuclear rods and went so far as to scare the American public into believing that if we didn't invade Iraq, the result could be a "mushroom cloud" on American soil. Considering what the American public went through on 9/11, the American public wasn't willing to take any chances.
"Its time for your President to come clean about all of this. I just cannot live with myself anymore. At first, I just thought it was cool to be one of the big boys, like my dad, like Dick Cheney, and I kinda started believing the stuff we were saying.
"But after the thousands of dead Americans, and no end in the war in sight, its time to come clean of all my transgressions. OK, maybe not all of them, but enough of them for now. As of today, I call on the Vice President to resign his position immediately. I herewith terminate my entire cabinet. I am also resigning my position and place myself into the custody of the military police for prosecution for my many war crimes against humanity.
"I am very sorry. I deserve any punishment this great nation decides to impose. Speaking of punishment, my last act as president will be to immediately order the closing of our torture facilities, including the prisons throughout Iraq, in Southern Jordan, and Guantanomo Bay.
"I ask the international community to forgive the deeds of this administration and recognize that America is not George W. Bush, America is the PEOPLE! When those terrorists hijacked those planes, I hijacked the country. Never forget that the American people were just along for the ride as I tried to fly the plane straight into hell.
"Good night, and may God bless America"